It’s OK to not be OK

Somehow the weeks of this pandemic keep getting longer and longer. I have to look at my calendar several times a day to remember what day it is. Things feels especially hard right now. So inside of that, here’s what I’ve got: 

I’m sending wishes that you’ll give yourself a little extra love and care.

I’m sending a reminder that we are all SURVIVING A PANDEMIC. So if you’re feeling behind in whatever way just stop that bullshit and remember that you are SURVIVING.

I’m sending permission to take a few extra minutes to stop and ask yourself what you need right now. And then a little kick in the ass to actually do whatever it takes to have it happen. Ask for help. Take a break. Sleep in. Give your kids the iPad. Lock the bathroom door during your shower. Go for an extra long walk. Work on your self-compassion.  

I’m sending a reminder that it is ok to feel sad and mad and frustrated and also grateful and thankful all at the same time. There is room for both. It is OK to not be OK. 

You know what I’m most grateful for these days? Holiday lights. The holiday lights are getting me through right now. I go out for a drive or a walk every night to look at the lights. I look at those lights and they make me so happy for a moment - and then I cry.  Almost every night. There’s one house in particular that has this beautiful tree in the window. I sit there and I imagine what it would be like to decorate the tree with our friends, to swap holidays the way we normally do, to get dressed up and be festive together. I want to celebrate the holidays with my friends. I want to celebrate ANYTHING with my friends. The birth of their babies, their weddings, their birthdays. I want to celebrate LIFE with my friends. 

Every night I look at the lights and I dream about it. I dream about when I'll get to hug my friends again. The lights are full of grief and sadness for me but they’re also full of joy. Because how lucky am I to have people in my life that I love that much? And every night I go back for more so that I can start happy and then acknowledge the grief and the loss and the sadness. So that I can cry and allow myself to get through to the other side.

Do I want to be not ok for a long time? Of course not. But it’s just as unhealthy to only allow yourself to be ok all the time. I am both lucky and grateful and also sometimes not ok right now.  These feelings are all a part of the human experience and when we ignore them or berate ourselves for having them or put on a facade for the world, we do more harm than good. So reminder - it's OK to not be OK. You do not have to always find the freaking silver linings. 

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. That’s all I got this week. Surviving is a big deal.