My Most Embarrassing Thanksgiving Story Ever

It was the Thanksgiving after September 11. I was SO looking forward to being with my family. It felt extra important to me that year - to be home, to be connected, to celebrate life.

Everything started out just fine. It was the perfect cold outside and the perfect warm inside. The appetizers were delicious and being with my Grammy always made me happy. I laughed with my cousins, caught up with my aunts and uncles and felt a general sense of contentment.

But when we sat down to Thanksgiving dinner, one of my cousins started giving me a hard time about something. I honestly have zero recollection of what it was - but if I had to guess, I'd bet it had something to do with my ongoing single status. That seemed to be constant fodder for conversation at every family holiday.

My cousin made a snide comment and I ignored him. Having not gotten the rise out of me that he desired, he said it louder. I shot him a look and tried to change the subject. Never one to give up, he went in again. And again. And again. It was like torture. I felt the blood rise in my cheeks and the buzzing begin in my head. My chest got tight and my breath got shallow. I tried to find the words but they were nowhere to be found…

So instead I found the next best thing…a salt shaker to dump on my cousin's head.

“What the fuck????” he yelled at me as he brushed the salt out of his hair.

A TOTALLY warranted to response to a crazy cousin pouring salt on your head at the dinner table. His “joke” hadn't been funny - but my inability to communicate and take care of myself in the situation had turned ME into the asshole.

This was a CLASSIC case of reacting instead of responding…

So, why am I telling you this mortifying story where I behaved like a six year old instead of a 26 year old?

Because this week begins the holiday madness and I hope this cautionary tale will help remind you that there are tools to help:

1. BOUNDARIES.

Nedra Tawwab (one of my favorite experts on boundaries) defines boundaries as “something that keeps you safe and comfortable in your relationships.” So as we go into the holidays, take some time to think about what that looks like for you.

2. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.

Mine gave me ALL sorts of signals. It was screaming “ALERT! ALERT!” but I didn't listen. I let it all come flooding out.

If you feel your body giving you signals - sudden tightness or clenching (in your chest, your shoulders, your jaw), shallowness of breath, quickening of the heart rate - your body is giving you a sign.

The sign is to SLOW. THE FUCK. DOWN. Pay attention to your body. It's telling you something so LISTEN.

If you can't do that in the current environment, leave. Leave the room, go for a walk, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, do it.

3. BREATHE.

This is key. A few of my favorite techniques:

If your breath is shallow, breathe in for 4, hold it for 4 and exhale for 8. This will help you to regulate your nervous system and slow your breath down.

Another option is to focus on the physical act of breathing - focus on the inhale, focus on the exhale. Focus on what the air feels like as it enters your body and as it exits your body. Focus on the temperature of the air as it goes in your nose and out of your nose. Focus on the feeling of the breath in your chest and your belly. If your mind wanders (which it will), as soon as you notice, just bring it back to focus on the feeling of the breath in the body. This will take your brain out of fight or flight and move it into your creative, compassionate, wiser self.

4. USE YOUR WORDS

Once you've regulated, if you feel like it's important to you, communicate. Don't just “let it go” unless you're REALLY gonna let it go. Otherwise, you'll shove it down and store it away until you end up dumping a salt shaker on someone's head. Trust me. I know.

Speak your truth. Do it in a way you will feel good about later. Regardless of whether or not they respond well, you want to feel that you communicated in a way that's aligned with your values and who you want to be in the world. (also read - DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I DID!)

Lastly, I'm super grateful that you're a part of my world. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving - however you spend it.