Jolly Ranchers & Forgiveness
Last Wednesday was the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. It is the most important day of the year in Judaism. We reflect on our past year - to ask for forgiveness from those we may have hurt and we forgive those who may have hurt us. It's also a time to reflect on all the things we have to be grateful for and the fragility of life.
As a kid, it was a day that irritated me. The adults were hangry (as part of the tradition of Yom Kippur is to fast) and I was bored out of my mind in the long services. I understood the meaning of the day and maybe I thought about the way I'd spoken to my mother the day before, or how I felt sorry that I was mean to my sister. But then I just went back to being bored and annoyed that my grandmother couldn't give me a jolly rancher because everyone around me was fasting. I would ask my Grammy to tickle my arm, the Rabbi would give their sermon and all I heard was the sound of Charlie Brown's teacher's voice, “Mwah mamwah mwah mwah….”
As an adult, it's a day I've grown to love.
It's rare in our busy lives to take significant time to reflect. It's something I would like to do more often.
On Wednesday, as I listened to the lull of the cantor's beautiful voice, I thought about the ways that I had been less than my best self this past year.
I hurt someone I care about. I was judgmental, controlling and impatient - to name a few. At times I was lazy. Curt. Dismissive.
And it occurred to me that really, the person I needed to ask for forgiveness…was myself. The person that needed to let go of my past mistakes…was me. The person who could release me from my shame, my guilt, my poor behavior - the ONLY person who could do that…was me.
It's hard to let go of the things I know I've done wrong. It's especially hard when I realize that sometimes I'm just repeating the same patterns, making the same mistakes over and over again. I feel inadequate, embarrassed. I spend a fair amount of time beating myself up.
What I am…is human.
There's a difference between recognizing your faults and mistakes and acknowledging the desire to grow and change and the harsh judgment that so many of us practice with ourselves in a way we would never engage with anyone else.
So I'm sharing this practice of self-forgiveness in case it's time for you to forgive yourself - for the things you aren't proud of and wish you'd done differently and for the times you have been unkind to yourself.
Self-compassion is a necessary step on the path of leadership - as a member of a community, as a CEO, as a parent. The way that we speak to ourselves shows up in the way we relate to others all the time.
When we remember that we are all human beings with human emotions and human faults, it's easier to release judgement and find compassion.
Choose kindness - with others, but just as importantly, with yourself.