Ally Is A Verb

“The problem is that white people see racism as conscious hate, when racism is bigger than that. Racism is a complex system of social and political levers and pulleys set up generations ago to continue working on the behalf of whites at other people’s expense, whether whites know/like it or not.” - Scott Woods

I know that prior to this past winter, when I read Robyn DiAngelo’s book, White Fragility, this was how I saw racism - as conscious hate. The truth is, racism is so ingrained in our society, it’s easy to miss. But we can’t afford to miss it any longer. Missing it makes us part of the problem.

The phrase that keeps replaying in my head over the past week is this: 

Ally is a verb, not a noun. 
Ally is a verb, not a noun. 

If I want to be an ally to the BIPOC community, what am I going to do? I am clear that I need to be educated on so many levels. To start - What is it like for BIPOC to live in this country? Why is systemic racism deep-seated in so many of us who think of ourselves as not being racist- and more, how can we be conscious enough to recognize it and change? What is the actual truth about American History? (hint: it’s not what we read in our history books or were taught in our history classes.) 

I’m doing a lot of reading and a lot of listening. But, there’s a place I’m turning for an actual conversation about what I can do: The STL Sandbox. STL Sandbox is a place to build the muscle for the messy work of change with others who are also finding their way.

In the past, this 3 part workshop series has only been offered in St. Louis - but this is one of the gifts of our current virtual world. I hope you’ll consider joining me to learn about the systems that have helped to maintain the status quo of racism in the United States and how to better inform ourselves so that we can effectively begin the work within our communities to bring about change. You can find all of the details here. 

And in case it’s helpful or you’re interested, here are a few other resources that have been really eye-opening and educational for me:

• White Fragility by Robyn DiAngelo

• White Supremacy & Me by Layla F Saad

• The podcast 1619

• The podcast Seeing White on Scene on Radio

• http://antiracismforbeginners.com/

• Follow Rachel Cargle on instagram @rachel.cargle

The last thing I'll say is this - this is awkward and uncomfortable for so many of us - I know it is for me. I know that I will make mistakes along the way but my mind and eyes are open. 

When you’re going through hell…

It’s a funny thing when you send out an email about not hanging out in your head with your inner critics and then about a week later, you end up there yourself feeling like you can’t seem to find your way out. Not funny ha ha. Like Alanis Morisette isn’t it ironic funny.

I spent the past week and a half feeling mostly awful. But when I really look at that time, I can tell you exactly why. Besides the fact that we’re in a major pandemic, our country is horribly divided and I can’t seem to figure out third grade math (never mind TEACH IT), the part that really made a difference is that fact that I didn’t do the things I KNOW I need to do to take care of myself. I went to bed at ungodly hours. I didn’t meditate. And most importantly, I forgot to slow down. And I didn’t slow down because I was overtired and I wasn’t breathing. Staying in a good mental space doesn’t just come to me. I have to work at it. After all these years of working on myself, I still have to work at it. Just like you can’t stop exercising and expect your body to stay in great shape, you can’t stop doing your mental exercise and expect your mind to stay in great shape.

So I went back and read that email for myself. So that I could have a reminder of the things that I know so well. And there’s something important that I left out of that email. When I tell you not to sit with the asshole in your head, I DO NOT mean avoid your feelings. Can you hear my dramatic raised voice there? It’s two different things. Sometimes the asshole in your head exists to keep us from feeling certain feelings that we don’t like: disappointment, grief, feeling out of control (that’s a BIG one right now), sadness, anger. Often, we think that if we work on ourselves hard enough, if we are “happy” enough, we don’t have to feel that stuff anymore. Nope. Doesn’t work that way.

Life is messy and wonderful and horrible and ever changing. It’s confusing and uplifting and disappointing and frustrating. It’s risky and it’s challenging and part of all of that is the realization that there’s no amount of work you can do to get away from the rainbow of fruit flavors of feelings we all have. Sometimes, you need to feel dark and sad and angry so that you can rise up and fight.

Sometimes you need to grieve the loss of something - whether it’s a relationship or a life or a way of life. Sometimes there are things that you feel intensely and deeply and they are uncomfortable as hell. But that does NOT mean that they are bad. What doesn’t work is beating yourself up for being a living, breathing, feeling human being. That’s where that asshole in your head comes in to play. He or she lacks compassion and empathy. And you deserve that as much as the friend you gave a pep talk to last week.

I sat in my darkness for a couple of days. It didn’t feel good but I needed to sit there. Because being in those feelings was the key to moving through to the other side. If I’d tried to avoid them or berate myself for having them, they would have lasted a whole lot longer. When I'm in that place, I remember the words of Winston Churchill:

When you’re going through hell, keep going.

Because life is amazing. And then it is awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful. You can thank L.R. Knost for that piece of truth and wisdom.

Keep going, my friend. Keep going.

Get out of your head…

So. Here we are. Still here. It's A LOT. 

This week, one of my yoga teachers talked about a meme that was going around at the beginning of shelter in place: 

Suck it up. Right? They sacrificed their lives…you can sit on your couch. 

Except for a lot of us, sitting on our couch is pretty damn hard. Now - before you get angry at me and say “That’s ridiculous!!!” -  stick with me for a moment. The reason that sitting on our couch is so difficult for so many of us is that we are being asked to sit with ourselves. And for many of us, that’s painfully difficult to do. The busyness of American society leaves little time for any of us to actually BE with ourselves. But with all of that busyness gone, there’s little to distract us from ourselves, our thoughts, our heads. And that, my friends, is a challenge of epic proportion. 

Because as it turns out, we aren't so kind to ourselves. Have you ever stopped to notice how you speak to yourself? Everyone has a judge. Some of us have a controller. You may have a perfectionist. Some of you are people pleasers. You might have a big old victim. And most of us have an inner brat on occasion (Do I haaaave too??? But I don’t waaaaant tooooo…)

And those are just a few. It might be so common, you might not even notice. But the likelihood that you’ve got some of those characters hanging around the neighborhood otherwise known as your mind is pretty high - because 80% of an average human’s thoughts are negative. EIGHTY PERCENT. 

My guess is that if you were in a room with a person who was speaking to you the way you often speak to yourself, you wouldn’t sit around for it.  Because no one wants to hang out with a judgmental, controlling, asshole. But still, you sit in your own head with that person. All. Day. Long.

Here’s the good news - consciousness around those negative thoughts is half the battle. There’s a lot of time right now to notice the conversation that goes on in your head. The sooner you start to notice, the sooner you can start to shift it. You can’t change something you’re not aware of. But once you become aware, you have a choice about how you want to talk to yourself.

So what’s it gonna be? Do you want to let the same old thoughts run the show? Or do you want to start to get to know your higher self, your true self, your inner leader - and let them start to lead the way? Once you identify those negative thoughts, you have the choice to stop them. And then you get to determine what you want to replace those thoughts with. Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a wise sage leading the way instead of a judgmental bitch? 

The choice is yours, my friend. And there’s no time like the present to start…Don’t know where or how to start? Click here to set up a complimentary intro session and we’ll dig in together. Because as many very wise people have said, your mind is a dangerous neighborhood. Don't go there alone. 

And also - this is all crazy. Nothing is normal. You deserve that walk by yourself. Or to hide in your closet. Or to eat the ice cream in the bathroom while the shower runs so that no one else can ask you for a bite. You deserve it. You're doing great. 

From My Crazy Home To Yours…

I hope this email finds you and your family in good health. I wasn’t even sure if I should send this right now. In the past two weeks, you’ve been inundated with emails from every business that you’ve ever been in contact with letting you know what they’re doing because of Covid-19.  It's been a while since you heard from me - after a bit of a winter hiatus and my own personal “hibernation”, I was all set to emerge with a terrific email last week… and then the world imploded. I am showing up right now because if this can help even one person, it’s worth another email in your inbox.

So I’m just here to say this - I hope you’re ok. I hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy.  I hope you’re taking time to be gentle with yourself, to connect with people you love, to breathe. I hope you’re giving yourself time to rest. I hope you remember that you don’t have to be a pro at homeschooling your kids or working from home. For those of you who are taking care of kids or parents - I hope you are also taking time to take care of you.

This is really fucking hard - isn’t it? There are lots of plates in the air: business, kids, homeschooling, health, food - and none of it looks anything like it’s ever looked before. 

For me, the only thing that feels really easy right now is being hard on myself. And I’ve been REALLY great at that. It’s hard not to feel like you’re falling behind, like you’re doing a half-assed job at everything, like you’re going to lose your mind. Anyone relate? So I’m here to remind you (and myself) to cut yourself some slack right now. There’s no such thing as perfect - ever - but especially right now. It’s ok for everything to just be ok. It’s ok to slow down. It’s ok to want to scream or cry. It’s ok to ask yourself what YOU need in the midst of taking care of everyone else. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing - you’re doing great. 

Here’s what I’m up to in addition to my regular work: I’m blocking out a couple sessions a week for the next month for private pro bono coaching sessions. It’s a small way that I can give back to my community during this crazy unprecedented time.

And if there’s someone you know who might benefit from one of those free coaching calls during this time - to have a safe place to be open and process, to discover how to use this crazy time to your advantage, to get crystal clear on what’s important to you, or to get some help figuring out how to make time for yourself - please feel free to send this along to them as well. 

And inside of all of this, don’t forget to look for the good in each day. Even though my Monday started with lots of tears (myself included) and an epic, guttural thirty second get-it-all out scream, we ended the day with my kids teaching me a tik tok dance and lots of laughs, reminding me that even after a full ten days of only hanging out with each other, my family does really like each other. Hang in there. We’ll all get through this.

Happy New Day.

Happy New Year.

I know, I know - that was two weeks ago and we’re half way through January already. But personally, I’m easing my way into 2020. The time between Thanksgiving and December was one big blur of activity, merriment and general insanity and I don’t know about you, but I needed some serious time to recover and get back to my business, my routines and myself. What I love about the new year is the natural inclination to take time to reflect, to ask yourself what’s working and what’s not, to look at where you’ve been and where you’d like to go.

AND, I’m going on the record saying that it’s time that we all started doing that more often. Why are we waiting for a new year? What’s wrong with a new day? Reflect when you need or reflect when you want. Set a new goal on May 14th. On March 3rd, decide that now is the time you’re going to do that thing you’ve been wanting to do (whatever it is) AND determine how you’re going to make it happen. Make a point of looking back on each month as it happens and looking forward to the one in front of you. Reflection is a way of getting conscious. And consciousness leads to change. 

So Happy New Year. AND Happy New Day. May 2020 be a year of more consciousness for all of us. 

New Year, REAL You

In February 2019, I was thrown an opportunity. There was a leadership program beginning in 30 days. A spot had opened up and I happened to be sitting at lunch with one of the people leading it. They asked me to join and without too much thought, I decided that I would do what I needed to make it happen because it felt like the right move at the right time. 

Last weekend, I completed the program and my biggest takeaway is one that I want to share with you as we end the year and the decade because I’m convinced that there’s no message more important than this one: 

There’s only one you in this world. 

The world is begging for the REAL, authentic you. We all spend December 31 buying into the whole idea of “new year, new you!” and setting goals that will most likely fall by the wayside somewhere around February 2. Instead, focus on peeling away the layers that no longer serve you, that don’t align with who you truly are. Behind those layers lie the unique magic that only YOU have to offer the world. 

The world doesn’t need a new you. The world needs the real you, the best you, the authentic you. Be proud of who you are and the struggles you’ve gone through to arrive here. Filter out the noise, stop worrying about everyone else, and start sharing your magic. There is an opportunity for each and every one of us to make a difference. It’s right there in front of us if we’re willing to look. And the world is begging us to leap and bring our own unique magic. Stop hiding your magic from the world. We need you. It’s time.

I wish you a beautiful holiday season and a new year filled with growth, laughter, and whatever it is you’re hoping for most in your life right now. I am so grateful to be a part of your world. See you in 2020. 

Addendum…

I’ve had this next email simmering in my head for a few weeks now. Since moments after I sent my last email, actually. If you missed that one, here are the cliff notes: I posited that if you want to make a change - if you want to make progress or have a different outcome - it's time to stop operating based on your mood and your feelings.  It's time to start operating based on your commitment to yourself and your personal integrity.

I got some really great responses. People loved it. People hated it. It stirred something and that's what I like to do. The thing I realized is that I forgot to discuss an important part of the “live your life based on your commitments rather than your feelings.” I realized that I needed to write an addendum. 

So, here’s the thing - ultimately, this whole idea of doing the thing you’re committed to rather than what you feel like doing is about being in CHOICE and action rather than reaction. So - if you’re exhausted and need a break, choose it. OWN it.  And then, get back to what you desire and you’re committed to. There's a big difference between letting life happen to you and making life happen for you. Make sense? 

So I had a whole email simmering in my head. But life has been way busier than I could have expected and a little bit harder too. And so, I CHOSE to keep it short and sweet and I'm hoping that you’ll pick up what I’m putting down. Set intentions. Make choices that support those intentions. Sometimes those choices will include a break and rest. But choose it - don’t just let to happen to you. Live consciously. 

I Care About You — But I Don’t Really Give A Shit About Your Feelings…

If you want to make a change in some part of your life, if you want to make progress or have a different outcome, it’s time to stop operating based on your mood and your feelings (which change on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis). It’s time to START operating based on your commitment to yourself and your personal integrity. It’s time to get conscious of the inner dialogue you have with yourself.

I had an incredible writing teacher who once said, “Writers don’t like writing...They like having written.” I coach a BUNCH of writers. It’s TORTURE for every single one of them to sit down to write. Once they start, they’re good - but they NEVER feel like writing. So if they operated based on their feelings, they’d never actual write. 

If I lived my life based on my moods and my feelings, I’d be a shitty mom (because being a good parent is more hard work than anyone ever tells you and there are more days than I care to admit that I’m tired and I don’t feel like it.) If I lived my life based on my mood and my feelings, I wouldn’t ever get my ass to the gym, because I pretty much NEVER feel like working out and I often feel like eating at least two Trader Joe’s chipwiches in one sitting. If I lived my life based on my mood and my feelings, I wouldn’t be doing my dream job, working with people to level up and live more fulfilling lives because I was scared out of my mind not knowing what the hell it would look like and that I wouldn’t be any good at it. 

But I’m committed to raising great little humans. I’m committed to having a strong, healthy body. I’m committed to MYSELF and not letting fear get in the way. And I’m committed to YOU and what I know is possible for you. 

YOU are the only thing standing in the way of having what you want. You and your feelings and that team of voices that tell you all the reasons you don’t have to or you shouldn’t. You set a goal and then 90% of the days, you don’t “feel” like it because it's easier not to. 

Tell me this -Do you feel like staying stagnant? Do you feel like spending your days at a job you hate? Do you feel like missing out on the dreams you know you’re capable of? What would it look like if you didn’t feel like it but decided you were going to do it anyway? Try it for a few days and let me know what happens.

One of my all time favorite quotes says it in the simplest way possible: 

Easy choices, hard life. 
Hard choices, easy life. 

It’s that simple, my friend. 
Easy life or hard life? You choose. 

My New Favorite 4 Letter Word

A few weeks ago, both of our kids went off to sleep away camp. And for the first time in ten years, I didn’t have anyone to take care of but myself. We’ve been spending the month in New York City and there’s something about being in the city that says “no cooking.” So I haven’t even done that. 

I had all these visions of productivity grandeur for this time. My plan was for this to be the most productive four weeks I’ve had in years. But on my first day here, when I sat down with my calendar, I actually panicked. I looked at my schedule and I felt like the time was already gone. I started in with my traditional four letter string of words flipping through my calendar trying to figure out how I would possibly fit it all in. But then a new four letter word popped into my head and for the first time in a long time, I had the space to actually listen to it. SLOW. I stopped and took a deep breath and decided that for that day, at least, I was going to go that route instead. I was going to slow down. I would coach my clients, see a friend, go for a walk on the Hudson, and slow. the fuck. down. Looking back, it’s funny that that’s what came to me amidst the hustle and bustle of NYC. New York is the fastest place I’ve ever been. But something about the change in routine and the change of scenery changed my perspective. I actually stopped long enough to hear the little voice inside of me that was yelling, “SLOW DOWN!!” I did it that day, and I’ve continued every day since. It’s been the most productive thing I’ve done in ten years. 

Slowing down has meant that I’m not operating on automatic. Which means that I’m doing a lot more breathing. Which means that I’m spending a lot more time actually choosing how I want to respond to people and situations rather than just reacting. I spend so much time working with clients to slow down so that they can stop their habitual reactions and start consciously choosing how they want to respond. And meanwhile, my life has been going so fast that I couldn’t create the space to do that myself most of the time.  

And perhaps most importantly, life has been so much more fun without the insane (self-imposed) pressure to get it all done. And you know what? It’s still getting done. I’ve given my brain the space to get creative again and think about things rather than just pound them out. It’s been so much more productive.  

Part of what I work on with my clients is creating a life by their design - and for many of us that has meant opting out of the “busy is better” attitude of our current culture. But I forgot. My drive to grow my business was drowning out the wiser part of me that knows that you need rest and space to grow. 

Sometimes you need a reminder to walk your walk not just talk the talk. And by you, I mean me. So my new group coaching program will come out later this year and all the other stuff will get done when it gets done. But it’s all good. Without that stupid pressure, it seems to be a little bit easier and a whole lot more enjoyable. 

So, I dare you to slow down for a day, my friend.  Not while you’re on vacation. While you’re in your everyday insane life. Take a day to slow down a little bit and see what happens. Make it a science experiment. Make it fun. And do me a favor, let me know how it goes…

Life Lessons From Tennis

A few weeks ago, I started taking tennis lessons with my ten year old daughter. She’s been wanting to learn and we found a terrific teacher so when she asked me if I’d learn with her, I jumped on the court. Little did I know that in addition to learning a new game that I’d love, I’d take away some terrific things that I could apply to my coaching and my own life as well. 

LESSON #1: BE A CREATIVE PLAYER - NOT A REACTIVE PLAYER

In tennis, this is about building confidence to take control and create your shot rather than constantly reacting and chasing. It’s being on the offense rather than defense. I’m still in the “just don’t miss the ball and hit it over the net into the blue” phase of tennis - but I look forward to the day that I’m a creative player. 

Think about your life - are you winning on your terms or are you just playing not to lose? Which one sounds better? Get creative. Start thinking about what it would look like to win on your terms. 

LESSON #2: KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL UNTIL IT HITS THE STRINGS

In tennis, keep your eye on the ball. In life, keep your eye on the goal.

LESSON #3: BREATHE

I held my breath for the entire first half of our first lesson. Even when my coach told me to breathe, I still held my breath. It wasn’t until he equated it with breathing out like in boxing that I got the idea…and as soon as I started to breathe, I started hitting the ball my game improved significantly. In my life, when I remember to breathe, my game improves significantly. Duh. 

LESSON #4: MUSCLE MEMORY TAKES A WHILE TO CORRECT - BE PATIENT

I haven’t played a whole lot of tennis in my life. At summer camp when I was 12 and at a tennis clinic during my kids spring break this past April. That tennis clinic taught me how to do my forehand ALLLLLL WRONG. So when I started lessons, no matter what I thought I was telling my body to do, I kept going back to the old habit of breaking my wrist on the swing. I think I probably set the record for most balls hit over the fence in a single hour - 3 lessons in a row! My coach reminded me that old habits die hard. It would take a while. He made me hit what felt like a million times each lesson - we went over the stroke again and again and again. My wrist killed and I knew I was doing it all wrong…it was frustrating as hell. BUT. At the very end of our most recent lesson, my body started to listen to what my mind was telling it!  Not on every swing, but on some. It’s a start…the patience is paying off. 

Your brain is a muscle also. Your neural pathways are like a roadway of nerve cells that deliver messages to your brain. Travel a road enough times and a mental habit is formed. In other words, the thoughts you’ve been telling yourself over and over and over again die hard. It takes a lot of consciousness and repetition to form new thought patterns, to start to think in different ways that will serve your life better. Be patient. Be consistent. It will pay off. 

LESSON #5: YOU CAN ALWAYS START SOMETHING NEW - NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE. 

No explanation necessary…

So tell me - where are you playing to win in your life? Where do you want to do it more? And what’s the new muscle memory you’re looking to strengthen?

The Simple Question That Could Change Your Life

Tell me something. How often do you stop and ask yourself this question:

“Does this support the life I am working to create?” 

Are you truly designing the life you want to live? Or is life happening to you?

Decide what you want for yourself. Decide what kind of life you want to be living. Then start to make choices that support you in getting there. Get in the habit of asking yourself this question every. damn. day. See what happens. 

Lessons From Night Blooming Jasmine

I think I’ve started out the past 3 posts with “happy spring.” But honestly, I freaking LOVE spring. I remember when I lived in New York and my dear friend, Kelly, would call me the minute the temperature hit 65. We’d rush to the Hudson River in shorts - so happy that the sun was shining and that there was some sign of life again. Sometimes I think the new year should really be in spring - it’s a gorgeous time of rebirth, of new beginnings, of new life. Like the gorgeous flowers that start to surround us, we get to come out from underneath the muck and the mud and bloom. It feels like a fresh start.

I saw something recently about being a late bloomer…which is what I have considered myself. A late bloomer. I didn’t find my calling until I was 39. I knew there was more out there for me - it just took me time (what felt like A LOT of freaking time) to find it. I can’t remember where I saw it, so I’m just going to have to leave it here without proper attribution - but this genius is not mine. I’m simply sharing it because it resonated so deeply for me. Perhaps it will for you as well. 

So many people never bloom. But let’s be clear - everyone can. You just have to choose it.

And there’s a second part to this… I have always loved the buddhist saying “No Mud, No Lotus.” And last week, (also not mine) I saw this gorgeous post which says it even better: 

So go on. Bloom beautiful You. Bloom.

Go for a walk without a destination, breathe in the fresh air, feel the sun on your face, set a new intention. Poke a toe or a hand out from underneath that dark place and see what happens if you allow yourself the opportunity to bloom. 

And once again, Happy Spring. 

PS. This afternoon, after I wrote this post, I walked out my front gate and finally noticed buds on my night blooming jasmine. The rest of my neighborhood smelled of night blooming jasmine weeks ago. I thought that perhaps we were going to miss out this year. But instead, ours was just late to bloom - but it’s here as gorgeous and delicious as ever reminding me that everything happens in it’s own time…you get to be on your own timeline too. 

Are You Willing to Fall Down?

It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. 

That was part of the eulogy at a funeral I recently attended…but also, it was on a card I once bought. I sent it to my dad for his birthday. He didn’t need the message. My dad already knows. My dad is 74 going on 23. 

But there was someone who DID need the message - me. I bought two of that card. One to give to my dad and one to give to myself. 

I started buying myself cards in my mid-20’s. The first one I bought was this:

I didn’t realize I was buying the cards for myself, but I never actually sent them to anybody. I didn’t even try to think of someone to send them to. I just kept them on my nightstand and read them. Every. Single. Night. And eventually, I started really believing that one day, I would turn into a butterfly.

I still buy myself cards. They’re like a little angel swooping in to remind of the thing I need to hear in the moment. The most recent one I bought said this:

FALLING DOWN IS PART OF LIFE. 

GETTING BACK UP IS LIVING.

Getting back up is living.

Falling down happens. But failure is a moment - it is NOT who you are. As long as you get back up, it’s all part of the learning. Get back up - you'll put more life in your years. 

Marie Kondo Your Life

Happy Spring!

It's that time. Everyone is clearing out their closets and their drawers to see what sparks joy. Marie Kondo is spring cleaning at it’s finest. But when was the last time you Marie Kondo'd your life? When was the last time you asked yourself what’s working and what’s not? When was the last time you asked yourself if the things you are doing day in and day out are...( you know what's coming...) SPARKING JOY!?

Because here’s the thing - if your life isn’t sparking joy, chances are it won’t matter if your closet does.

Write down what makes you happy.
Write down what you’re doing every day.
Compare those lists.
Get rid of the things that don’t spark freaking joy.

Sound idealistic? OK - BUT... what if it’s actually possible? Reframe your life with the idea of sparking joy. It’s as simple (ok - and as complicated) as that. Ask yourself - are you surviving? Or are you actually living? Because you have one life. And you deserve to live it out loud.

A Prescription for Self Care

Happy March!!! Spring. Seems like a perfect time to talk about self care. So let's. Let's discuss the buzz word of the year.

I hear people saying it all the time. “I need to focus more on self care.” 

The phrase self care may conjure images of massages and hot tubs. But it’s so much more than that. So - what exactly does self care mean? What does it look like? How do we take good care of ourselves?And the million dollar question - how come there are so many of us who already know the answers to these questions - and we still aren’t doing it? 

Self care is the act of deliberately taking action to improve your emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual well being. I tried to come up with a more interesting description but it's pretty straightforward. So why is the actual act of self care not so straightforward? I believe that the reason that it's SO challenging for most people is this: there’s no one who can do it for you. It’s ALL your responsibility. And we already have SO MANY responsibilities to other people. But HELLO! Why are you taking care of stuff for other people before you're taking care of yourself?!?! PUT ON YOUR OXYGEN MASK FIRST PEOPLE! (and yes, I know I'm yelling. It's only because I care.) In a society that is constantly trying to control things, this is one thing that we actually cantake charge of…and yet, often, we still don’t. We spend so much time with output, we forget how important it is to refill our tank. 

When I work with clients, self care is the thing that they struggle with most, sabotage the most, put on the back burner the most. They don’t make their doctors appointments. They don’t get enough sleep. They don’t ask for help. They don’t (otherwise disguised as “can’t”) leave work at work. They felt incredible when they were exercising during the month of January - but then they stopped. Most people know what makes them feel good, but they don’t (or won’t) make time for it. 

• Self care can be scheduling (and going to!) your doctor’s appointment. 

• Self care can be noticing when you feel totally frazzled and taking 5 minutes to close your eyes and just breathe.

• Self care can be getting into bed by a certain time every night.

• Self care can be waiting for at least an hour after you’ve woken up to look at your phone. 

• Self care can be going for a 20 minute walk every morning. 

• Self care can be choosing to drink alcohol more moderately. 

• Self care can be asking for help. 

• Self care can be unfollowing people on social media that bring you down. 

• Self care can be taking a mental health day.

• Self care can be finding the time to paint once a week.

• Self care can be signing up for a class. 

• Self care can be creating a budget and sticking to it.

• Self care can be putting up boundaries in relationships. 

• Self care can be deciding that you’ll turn off your phone for a certain number of hours every day. 

• Self care can be getting a massage. 

• Self care can be reading a book.

• Self care can be taking the time to look at where you are now and where you’d like to be at this time next year. 

• Self care can be having a difficult conversation. 

• Self care can be taking a break from social media. 

• Self care can be saying No.

• Self care can be having lunch with a friend. 

• Self care can be seeing the acupuncturist.

• Self care can be making time for the gym 

Clearly, self care doesn’t look the same for everyone. Sure - we all need to see our doctors and get a good night’s sleep. But you don’t have to doallthese things in order to take care of yourself. Did something on that list really jump out at you? Start there. Pick one thing that you are willing to make the time for it and notice how it affects your week. 

Need someone to hold you accountable? Email me and I’ll check in with you to help you kick your excuses to the curb. My choice? I’m gonna finally start my mornings phone free. I’ve been saying I’m going to do this for a while now. No good excuse why I haven’t - I just haven’t bothered to break the habit. So now, I’m accountable to all of you!!! I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Life is too short to spend it on the hamster wheel. Get off for a minute and refuel. Take a bath, read the paper, have a coffee without a device. No one is going to take care of you if you don't take care of yourself. 

You Are NEVER Too Old…

Repeat after me. You are never too old. 

I practice yoga a few times a week. When I’m lucky, I get to practice with Phyllis. Phyllis is 95. She started yoga when she was 80. She’s freaking amazing. You can read more about her in this LA Times article. Why do I bring up Phyllis? Because I can’t tell you how many people in their late 30’s to early 50’s tell me that they’re “too old” or that it’s “too late”. 

BULL. SHIT. Just ask Phyllis. Phyllis started a business at 50 and tried the trapeze at 75. It is never too late and you are NEVER too old. You can go back to school, start a business, write a book, adopt a baby, change careers, learn to cook or whatever the hell else you want to do. The only thing that is stopping you…is YOU.

What is it that your soul desires? I’m totally serious. If you get quiet for a minute and sit with yourself and stop listening to that team of loudmouths in your head that are running the show telling you the you’re too old or you have to do this or you should do this… if you tell them to zip it and you listen to your gut, what is it telling you? What do YOU want? Not because you should or you think you have to. Because it’s what your soul desires. It’s the burning thing that you come back to time and again. When you have a health scare. Or when someone you love dies. Or when you get honest and think about how you want to be remembered in this world. When you get reflective and boil it down to the basics, (which most of us only do in moments where we realize life is fragile) what do you want? And if that’s what you REALLY want, then what is stopping you from going after it? 

What will it take for you to create the life you want? Who will you need to be? And what can I do to support you? Because you might as well stop thinking that you should have started sooner and just start NOW. I’m here to cheer you on…take that first step and see where it will lead you.

Happy New Year!

We’re a week into 2019 and no doubt, you’ve got some things on your list. Whether it’s via resolutions or choosing your one word for the year - we all get excited by that blank canvas, that clean notebook - and we declare something new that we’ll take on with the fresh start of the new year.

But how often do you end up with a pile of disappointments and broken resolutions by mid-February? Most people do. Why? Because there’s a huge difference between wanting change to happen and wanting to make change happen. In other words, change is a process (sometimes a long one) and as humans, we tend to want immediate gratification. Change and immediate gratification don’t go together like spaghetti and meatballs or peanut butter and jelly. You know what I mean? So while we usually want the outcome of the change - the lost weight, the health we gain from exercising more or quitting smoking, the relationship with our kids from being more present, the book we’ve been meaning to write…you get the picture - while we want those outcomes, we have trouble committing to the actual process and the work it’s going to take to get there.

Sorry if I just burst your new year’s bubble. But don’t worry - I’m gonna blow it back up again.

I want to challenge you to take on something else this year to support those new year’s goals. Because here’s the thing we forget when we take them on - it’s kinda hard to say hell yes! to something new without saying a big fat hell no! to something else.

So, let’s say I want to be more present when I’m with my kids in the late afternoon until they go to bed. I want to play games with them, read with them, have them help me with dinner and just hang out more. I know I better start saying NO to my phone from 4:30-8:30. Will this be easy? Nope. I’ll have to silence my phone and put it in another room. Because even if it’s silent, I know that I’m aware of it and tempted to check it when it’s in the same room as me.

The NO is the part that so many people miss - but it’s SUCH an important part of what actually makes the goals we set achievable. Without the NO, there’s not a lot of awareness around what is and isn’t working in your current day to day. You know you want something different - but in order to get there, what you’re NOT going to do is just as important - or dare I say, even MORE important - than the things you’re going to do.

So - how can I help you to make 2019 the year you stop talking about what you want and actually get what you want? Shoot me an email and let me know: What’s your HELL NO! for 2019? And if you’re at that place of “I want it to be no but it seems impossible…” let me know that too so that I can support you in getting there. And while you’re at it, let me know what your HELL YES! is as well. I’d love to hear from you.

And, of course, Happy New Year. I have a feeling 2019 is going to be full of possibility for you.

Go for the burn.

I almost missed boxing this morning and it was for SURE my subconscious saboteur telling me that I didn’t really want to go. Happened yesterday too right before yoga. My husband said he wasn’t going to cross fit so I could hit yoga at 9:00 AM but up until 8:27, I wasn’t going. It was a holiday…I went to boxing on Monday…I was still in bed…there were so many things I could get done... Then I went into that mode- you know the one- where you’re able to usurp all of your inner critics, your little devil that sits on your shoulder, your myriad of saboteurs- and you jump up, throw on your clothes and you’re out the door in two minutes before that little guy can creep into your thoughts and change your mind.

That’s what’s been going on with me lately. And then I get to boxing and we start the warm up and within the first minute, I am convinced there’s no way I’m gonna make it through the class. I think it will be a miracle if I don’t throw up during the warm-up. I wonder how it can continue to be this hard – I’ve been doing this now for two whole months with consistency despite the fact that my lazy little devil that sits on my shoulder has been telling me that I don’t really give a fuck about the $10 late cancellation fee that I would incur if I don’t show up or if I cancel less than eight hours before class. Eight hours ago, I was sure I would be there! Now, I’m pretty sure I could use some more sleep. I drank a lot of wine this weekend. My head feels like sludge, my feet feel like they are dragging through it. I can't get the combos right. No matter how many times I say the words in my head, the synapses that connect my brain and my body seemed incapable of firing. My brain says jab, my body decides to hook. My brain says more jumping jacks, my body cries no.

But as the warm-up continues, something starts to happen. My body starts to… warm-up. Instead of feeling like I might puke, I feel like I can punch harder. I notice that my muscles are feeling less fatigued further into the class. I love the feeling of the sweat as it starts to drip down my back. I welcome the burn in my legs as I push myself to do five more high knees over the hurdles. I stop thinking about whether or not I’m going to die and I start knowing that I’m going to make it through. And when we’re on our 750,000th sit-up, and my stomach is on fire and it feels like I can’t possibly make it for another repetition, I hear a voice inside my head say, “Hell yes you can. YOU GOT THIS.” And I did. I did ever single rep during the twelve minutes of ab work. Because when I heard that voice in my head, it reminded me that I need that same reminder throughout my life.

It’s so easy to stop when it burns. Whether it’s burning your abs or it’s burning your brain or it’s burning your heart. But you guys, that’s when you have to keep going. Because on the other side of the burn, there’s triumph. On the other side of the burn is the satisfaction that you kept going despite the burn. On the other side of the burn there lies gold.

There’s a sign in my boxing gym that reads “If boxing is hard, box more.”

Whatever you’re doing that’s hard – do it more.  Don’t let that little voice win. YOU WIN. You’re worth it.

Admit it…you’re a commitmentphobe.

For years I contemplated becoming a coach. And I’m not exaggerating. It was literally years. The conversation started somewhere around 2005. I wasn’t super happy in my job as an entertainment executive. I’d had at least five or six people randomly tell me that they thought I’d make a great life coach.  I thought about it but then… Life Coach?!?!! I mean, isn’t that kind of a joke just in title alone??? Yup. That was me to myself. Say hi to one of my many inner critics, Judge Judy. She loves to worry about what other people will think of me and tell me that my ideas range from stupid to mediocre to downright horrible. At that time, she was often running my life so I stuck that idea on a shelf in my mind to collect some dust. In the meantime, I got certified as a yoga teacher, took a class in interior design and interviewed for some other jobs in the entertainment industry.  Then I got laid off when I was eight months pregnant and decided that it was the universe telling me to stay home with my baby for a while. The entire time, coaching was on my mind. But it was never the right time. I had babies at home - how could I start a new profession? Plus, I wasn’t absolutely one hundred percent positive that I didn’t want to go back to work in the entertainment industry. And I was convinced that I had to be certain. 

Ten years later, the stars aligned. I’d dipped my toe back in the waters of the entertainment biz and I now I felt SURE that it wasn’t what I wanted. My kids were both in school for large portions of the day. After months of deliberation, I got tired of the questioning in my head and decided it was time to explore this thing I’d been considering for TEN years. So without any more deliberation, I signed up for the whole damn training - a year of schooling - and within 24 hours of my first class, I was clear that I was on my way to becoming a coach.

But you guys. The stars didn't ACTUALLY align at all. Just like the universe wasn’t telling me to stay home with my baby. I WANTED TO STAY HOME WITH MY BABY!!! So when the door opened for that to be a reality, I pushed it wide open and walked straight through. Why? Because when it became a real possibility, I became committed to staying home with her.

The same thing happened when I decided to become a coach. Sure, I got a chance to work in entertainment and see if it was really what I wanted to pursue. But the answer wasn’t a hard no. The answer was not right now. I don’t want to work in entertainment right now. Right now, I want to try something different. Sure, I had more time on my hands because my kids were in school. But the course was one weekend a month for six months and then most of my work was done in 2-3 hours per day during the week. If I’d wanted to, I could have managed that while they were younger. Sure, I committed myself to the entire course up front. But not without knowing that, if I felt that I was making a horrible mistake, I could get my money back at any point in time. There wasn’t any sort of universal pull. There weren’t any stars involved. There was no voice that came to me from above. The only thing involved was ME. I changed my perspective and stopped waiting for the circumstances to be “right.” Because by now we all know that the circumstances are NEVER going to be right unless you MAKE them right. I was ready, so I started. And once I started, and I realized that this was the thing I wanted, something else needed to happen. I needed to commit. 

Does that word scare you? Because it sure as hell scared me. It scared me to declare that THIS was what I'd chosen to do with my life. I was terrified of what I might have to do if I was actually committing - the things I'd have to do, the things I wouldn't be able to do. I made up crazy stories in my head about what commitment looked like. I mean, seriously insane. If you got a glimpse in there, you might consider having me committed.  

But then I realized that I didn’t have to say “I’m doing this for the rest of my life.” I didn’t have to say, “I’m giving everything else up to make this happen.” I  didn't have to say “I’ll do whatever I need to make this work.” Not that there’s anything wrong with doing or saying any of those things. But somewhere along the way, I think those became the hallmarks of commitment and we all started feeling as though if you aren’t willing to go that far, then you’re not REALLY committed. The beauty of what I learned is that committing is just staying on the path. It’s getting up when you fall down. It’s three steps forward, one step back, two more steps forward. And you guys, it's a CHOICE. And if you ever want to stop being committed, you get to make that choice too. As long as it's YOU making the choice and not all those little inner critics inside you're head. 

So when I committed, I said, “I want to figure out how to make this work.” And then I looked at my life to see what it would take to make that happen in that immediate moment. I didn’t look at what was going to happen in a year or two years or five years. Because every time I looked at what was “supposed” to happen in the future if I became a coach, another of my inner critics, Debbie Downer, reared her lovely head and made me wonder how I was possibly going to get there. “But how will you find clients?” “What if you’re not very good at this?” “What if you screw up someone’s life?” WAAAAAHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. So I learned how to turn that beat around with Judge Judy and Debbie Downer and tell them to take a hike because they were blocking my path. Otherwise, I can promise you, I would have stopped this train a long time ago. I stopped myself from worrying about two years from now and decided that I would just worry about tomorrow. I looked at the next day and the next step. I put one foot in front of the other. I stayed on the path. 

I know you know what I’m talking about. You’ve decided you’re going back to school. You’ve started to look through websites, you’ve even targeted the places you’d like to go. And then the application arrives. And you sit down and you stare at it. And you stare at it. And you stare at it some more. And those voices start to creep in. “I’m not gonna get in so why bother.” “This is so much work…I’ll do it tomorrow.” “I don’t even have time to fill out this application - how will I POSSIBLY have time for school?” And then that application never gets done and the next year, you're staring at that same application all over again, with the same conversations happening all over again, except this time you're yelling at yourself for the fact that you can't get your shit together enough to go back to school even though you thought you were "committed." 

Because here's the deal - It’s not enough to just say, “I’m committed to this.”  There's more to this whole tango. You have to know WHY. WHY do you want what you want? You have to know so that every time Judge Judy or Debbie Downer or whoever your bitchy little friend is - every time they pop into your head, you can whip yourself around and say, “NOPE. I’m doing this and this is WHY.” And when you remember why, all that other crap clears away, and you sit down or lace your sneakers up or pick up the phone. You do the hard thing. You will not let there be an excuse. You will NOT LET THE EXCUSES WIN. And you will do this one step at a time, one day at a time, until you realize that you’ve achieved the thing that you weren’t certain you could. My why was that I had been searching and yearning for a career that felt like it filled me, a career that felt like the right fit. I also wanted a career that allowed me flexibility to be with my kids, to write when I wanted to and even to go back into entertainment if I wanted to down the line. Coaching checked all those boxes and when I started training, it became so crystal clear that it was what I had been looking for. It was strong enough for me to tell those excuses to go find someone else's mind to live in. 

Figure out why. Make your why a mantra. Say it before you go to sleep at night. Say it when you look in the mirror. Make it non-negotiable.  And then KEEP GOING! One step at a time, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

What’s the thing that you’ve been afraid to commit to? What (or who) is the voice that's holding you back? And what can you imagine for your life and yourself if you were willing to tell that voice to take a hike and start to make it happen? 

The First Secret to Success

I used to write a lot. But it’s been a reeaaaaallly long time. And every time I tried to write this, nothing came out. I know people say that all the time but I actually mean it. Nothing. Like I stared at a blank screen. (Writer's block you think- but keep reading.)  

When I finally started, I wrote some piece of dreck (translation:crap origin:yiddish) that’s resting on a page behind this one. There might be a morsel or two in there that I can take with me to another piece of writing one day, but it’s sure as hell not gonna be my second blog post on my brand new shiny website because that blog post had better be aMAAAAAAAzing! RIGHT? Right. Except in order for there to be a blog post, one would have to actually write. And up until about 30 seconds ago, I was totally paralyzed.

I haven’t been able to write a thing for that past week because I’ve thrown some sort of pressure onto myself that whatever I write HAS to be fabulous. It has to blow people away. It has to do a million things with some crazy high standards and while I’m at it, it should be good enough to go viral and make me a household name. No pressure. Low standards…no big deal. So I’ve been sitting here, staring at a blank screen. It’s not writer’s block, my friends. It’s called perfection paralysis.

And can you IMAGINE what my life will turn into if I have to say something totally and completely BRILLIANT and life changing every single time I choose to blog? I mean if that’s not a recipe for disaster, I don’t know what is. 

This is what is going through my mind right now. Very coach-esque. NOT. 

By the way, I haven’t even mentioned the seven BRILLIANT blog posts I wrote in my head over the course of seven different yoga classes. The words just flowed - one time the whole thing came to me in headstand, another time I was in down dog…but as soon as I came home and sat down to write them… PARALYZED. 

Aaaaah perfection paralysis. That little voice inside our heads that lets us know that we can’t do it until we’re ready. Until it’s ready. Until it’s “perfect”. The right moment, perfect timing, everything has to be in place. And the result? This moment I’m in - the bane of the existence of most people at some point in their lives and for many people, all of their lives.

How many times have you found yourself stopped dead in your tracks because you’re waiting for something to be perfect? How many times do you come up with all the reasons that it won’t work (when, if you really stop to think about it, there are just as many reasons that it will!) How many times have you stopped yourself BEFORE YOU EVEN BEGIN?

“What if this doesn’t work?”

"What if no one comes?”

“What if they don’t like it?”

"What if I fail?"

What if, what if, what if?

How will you know which might happen if you do nothing? 

What if it DOES work?

What if LOTS of people show up?

What if they LOVE it? 

What if you chose THOSE kinds of what ifs instead? 

And what if you do fail? What does that mean to you? Does it mean you are a failure? Or does it mean that you failed and now you get to learn from your mistakes and try again? There’s not a successful person in the world who didn’t fall down at least one hundred times along the way. The difference is that they didn’t let it stop them. They got up and started again.

And that right there is the secret to success of any kind - small or large. 

Start. Fall down and start again. 

That’s it. Type a word. Put on your sneakers and step outside. Get on your yoga mat. Ask her for coffee. Learn how to peel a cucumber. Schedule sex (and actually do it!) Make the phone call. Ask for help. Show up. Take one tiny step toward that thing you are paralyzed by and within moments, you’ll stop worrying if it’s perfect, and you’ll just be in it, doing the thing that you’ve been waiting to do, seeing where it takes you next. 

This blog post finally came because I started. Eventually, I just sat down and wrote. I literally wrote "I don't know what to write." I gave myself permission not to know and to see what happened and some semblance of words that made sense started to come together to get me here. Give yourself permission not to know exactly how it will turn out and to do it anyhow. 

Just start.