Lessons From a Bat Mitzvah Weekend

​​My stomach sank and I actually got a little light-headed. You know when your ears go buzzy for a minute and you see stars? I know it sounds dramatic but it actually happened. 

Our dearest friends from Los Angeles were on the other end of the phone telling me that their flight had been cancelled (along with 200 others into the NYC area) and that they had tried all day but they couldn’t get another flight out of Los Angeles until Saturday. My oldest daughter's Bat Mitzvah was Saturday morning.  

The irony? Their original flight was supposed to get them in two days early so our families could have some quality time before the insanity of the weekend. 

And now, they weren’t going to be able to get here at all.

Obviously we wanted to celebrate with every single person who we invited to our daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. But there were a handful - the kind Grey’s Anatomy refers to as “my person” - that we couldn’t imagine having a celebration without. And not just my husband and me - our kids too. And these friends - they are those people.

I hung up the phone on Thursday night and I cried. I couldn’t bring myself to tell the kids. I kept hoping it was some sort of fucking April Fool’s joke. That magically our friends would appear at the temple on Saturday morning. I poured myself a bourbon neat and I stared at it. It didn't even look appealing. All my reading on emotional agility and full-range of emotions took the appeal of the bourbon away. Somehow, I was smart enough to know that no amount of alcohol was going to ease the pain of the intense disappointment and sadness I was feeling. 

Disappointment is a brutal emotion and it’s not one that I’ve ever been very good at. In fact there are a LOT of emotions that, as of late, I’ve been working on “sitting with” as we say in the coaching world. In regular person speak, this means I don’t tell myself I’m ok when I’m CLEARLY not. I don’t drink the bourbon neat, eat the pint of ice cream, or buy the shoes in hopes that it will take away the pain. It means that when I feel the pain, I own it and let myself experience all the feelings that are coming. Sometimes it means yelling or punching a pillow. Sometimes it means crying until it feels like I can’t cry anymore. Sometimes it means sitting and breathing so that I can regulate my breath and the buzzing in my ears and the stars that I’m seeing dissipate. It means recognizing that difficult emotions are not “bad” but are part of the full range of the human experience. None of this makes these feelings feel any better. 

I’ve been reading and researching and working with the concept that emotions are data - information that helps us figure out what’s most important to us in our lives and allows us to get clear about what is and isn’t working. 

In that moment, the only data that was screeching through my brain was “HOW CAN I POSSIBLY CELEBRATE NOW!?!?!?” 

I was so scared that I wasn’t going to be able to move forward. I couldn’t imagine the weekend without them and yet, that’s how it was going to be. 

When I told our kids the next morning, they both burst into tears. They couldn’t imagine the weekend without our LA family either. As I hugged them, I said words to them that I was really telling myself: THIS SUCKS. AND - we’re going to have an amazing weekend. We’re so lucky to have friends that we love this much. AND they are with us in our hearts. Nothing can change that. 

I said it and I meant it, but I still wasn’t sure that my heart was buying it. 

Friday night, when our friends and family started to show up at our door, I wish I could say that I forgot about our friends who weren't with us. I most certainly did not. 

However, I DID experience every last ounce of joy I'd imagined as we welcomed our friends from Los Angeles and London and Atlanta into our home, as we watched our two daughters reunite with so many of their long-distance friends. We were so surrounded by love, it was impossible to not feel overjoyed.

The weekend celebration was EPIC. It might have been the best weekend of my life. AND there was a little hole in every part of it where our stranded friends should have been. BOTH things were true at the same time.

And every time I thought about them (which was A LOT), I said to myself: How lucky are we to have friends that we love that much?

It’s easy to read about, to study and think about the concept of being with the challenging emotions. But when it comes to actually doing it - it’s pretty brutal. I think, though, if I’d gone my regular route of trying to get rid of it any way I possibly could, I wouldn't have experienced that joy the same way. I don’t know that I would have been able to be present. Inside of the disappointment, I relinquished control. I had to surrender. There was NOTHING else I could do - and once I did that, it allowed me to clearly see the solutions to things that I actually COULD fix. Most importantly, it allowed me to experience the full, unbridled, overwhelming joy and love of the weekend.

So my greatest lesson from the weekend? It's possible to allow yourself to feel the full disappointment AND experience deep, DEEP joy at the same time.

If you want the intensity and beauty of the amazing emotions, the challenging and painful ones are part of the package.

Next time you feel anxiety or anger or grief or disappointment  and it feels almost unbearable, try to surrender and remember that you're not alone.

You Can Have It All…Just Not At The Same Time

In November of 2019, I was on the verge of total burnout. My coaching business was thriving - a business that I’d specifically built so that I could be around for my children. But I was still trying to do all the things I had done in the years before I had my own business and it just wasn't possible. Yes - I was able to work AND be a mom but doing that meant I needed to ask for help. It had to look different.

I went to my husband and said, “If I keep going at this pace, I am going to get really, really sick.”

I was DESPERATELY trying to do it all and I. Was. Exhausted.

Asking for help and letting balls drop aren’t easy things to do when we live in a society that constantly tells women that we should be able to do it all and have it all AND make it look easy.

If you want to create a life on your own terms, it will require asking for help. It will require putting yourself first sometimes. It will require saying no to some things in order to say yes to others.

We need to stop perpetuating the lie that women can do it all and can have it all. It creates shame and silent competition among women rather than support and sisterhood.

Notice we don’t ever hear men talking about having or doing it all. That’s because society has a different expectation of men. Men have a different expectation of men. And you wanna know who’s gonna need to be the ones to change that expectation?

Ladies, we are.

That’s one responsibility that we can’t pass off. And it’s gonna start with US shifting the expectations.

Because here’s the thing. Women are quite literally killing themselves trying to have it all. And I don’t care what kind of powerhouse you are - you can’t share your gifts with the world if you’re sick or exhausted or dead.

Let’s lift each other up to normalize the challenges we face and let’s normalize asking our partners for help - whether they’re life partners or work partners - in shouldering the responsibility.

It took me almost 4 years from the time I started working to ask for help. I wish I’d given myself permission much sooner.

So just in case it’s hard for you to give yourself permission, I’m giving it to you now.

Here’s your permission to not have to be or do or have it all. Here’s your permission to ask for help, to drop a ball, to not have to do it all.

Love,
Michelle

PS- The truth is, I should have been asking for more help when I wasn’t working too. Stay at home moms, give yourselves permission not to have to do it all, too. You are the hardest working, strongest women I know.

How Julie Went From Chameleon to Peacock

You can trust yourself, own your talents, and strut your stuff like a peacock -  without being an egotistical ass. 

Here’s a quick story to explain...

A few years ago, I sat down with a client who we'll call Julie. Julie is incredibly smart, talented, funny, and highly-respected in her field.

But Julie felt totally out of her league. She had just landed a new job, a BIG job - but she felt totally lost and scared shitless that everyone was going to find out she had no idea what she was doing.     

Julie knew she wanted to be in a position of leadership but in her heavily male-dominated industry, she wasn’t willing to sacrifice her integrity or lead in the traditionally masculine way. 

So together, we helped Julie get crystal clear on her values and reconnect with her inner wisdom. 

With her newfound clarity, Julie gained awareness and learned tools to trust her gut and before she knew it, she had stopped looking outside of herself for the answers and started to trust her own instincts.    

Today, Julie has no problem saying she’s confident. She was cherry-picked for an agency and has grown the business exponentially since her arrival. She’s highly respected as one of the top people in her field. 

And she owns it. Like a peacock. 

Julie will tell you that our work together gave her permission to fully own who she is and what she's capable of. 

I’m sharing Julie’s story with you because I’m willing to bet you might feel tired of seeking approval from others too. 

If you’d like to finally shift from chameleon to peacock, we should talk.

Spring Back

So much can happen in a year. 

This has been a hell of one.

It feels like there’s a reset button being pressed - some hope on the horizon. Do you feel it too? 

Thinking about a year ago is a good reminder for me - we never have to wait for January 1. We can reset at any time. 

It’s a new year any day you choose. 

So happy new year.  

I have two questions for you: 

What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned about yourself and your life in the past 12 months?

What does it look like to take that with you into the year ahead? 

This Sunday we turn our clocks ahead - every day there will be a little more light.

But sometimes, you have to spring back to move forward.

What Do You Value Most?

Fill in the blank.

I value _____ the most.

When I worked at CBS, I was in the bathroom one day and I overheard a high level female executive say, “my daughter is so upset that I won’t be around at all during her spring break.” 

Sitting in the stall, I remember thinking to myself, “When I have kids, I NEVER want to be in that position.”

At the time, I had NO idea how I was going to create a career that afforded me spring breaks with my girls, but you damn well better believe I was going to figure it out. 

Which is why as a mom and a businesswoman, FREEDOM became the thing I value most.

I wanted the freedom to set my own schedule so that I can do the things that I know make me feel better in my own skin - 

Things like… 

…. exercising…

… acupuncture…

…meditation and…

… continuing education.

Also getting my hair cut and colored on a Thursday afternoon, meeting a friend who's in from out of town for a coffee at 2 PM on Wednesday and anything else I want...

I wanted the freedom to put my time and energy into something where I could make a difference in the world and where I never felt like my time was wasted in meetings that could be emails.

I knew that I wanted more for my life. 

I’m guessing you do, too.

If you’re ready to get out of your own way and step into the life you desire…

If you’re ready to be bigger and bolder in the world…

If you’re ready to stop putting everyone else’s needs first and prioritize your own voice, values & vision…

If you know it’s time to leap but you’re terrified of not having a safety net below you…

Let’s talk.

The Lie You Keep Telling Yourself

“That’s just the way I am.”

I hear that from people all the time. That’s just the way I am.

I call bullshit.

Did you know that your brain is actually malleable into your 90’s?

Yup. You actually have the capacity to change the way you think pretty much until the day you die.

So “that’s just the way I am” is not the truth.

When I was 24, I started seeing a therapist. I was a dancer and I had all sorts of body image issues and I FINALLY hit a wall. I was exhausted. Exhausted from obsessing about my body. Exhausted from obsessing about everything I put in my mouth. I was tired of counting calories. I was tired of judging my body. I was tired of having the way I felt about my body dictate the way I felt about my entire life. I was just. plain. tired.

Every time I went to eat, I had the same negative thoughts that ran through my mind: You shouldn’t eat that. You’re gonna get fat. You’re gonna get fatter. Why can’t you control yourself? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? I would listen to those thoughts and instead of just having the Oreo, I would eat some carrots. But I wouldn’t feel satisfied. So then I would eat some almonds. Still not satisfied. I would have an apple. Obviously no longer hungry - but still unsatisfied. And on and on until I broke down and not only did I eat the Oreo, but I ate the entire bag. Then I would sit there hating myself because not only did I feel completely sick to my stomach, but I would also tell myself that I was weak and getting fatter by the Oreo. Sounds like a delightful time - doesn’t it?

The technical term for my disorder is obsessive compulsive eating. My term was just big fat failure.

I did a lot of work with my therapist to uncover what was underneath my relationship with my body and with food. (I’m sure you already know that it had very little to do with the food and a lot more to do with learned behaviors and thought patterns - many of which are societal.) She knew that in order for me to change my behavior, I needed to change the way I thought about food. So she gave me a simple mantra.

At the beginning, I would have to repeat the mantra to myself every time I thought about food and pretty much the entire time I was eating.

Eventually, I needed the mantra less and less. I got to the point where I only said it to myself when I was actually hungry and I naturally checked in with my body before I took another bite to see if I really wanted it.

The mantra required that I slow down so that I actually got conscious about what I wanted and what I was doing rather than running on automatic the way I had been for so many years.

It took me three years before the day I realized that I was just eating - whether it was a salad or a snickers. Three years later, I had changed my entire way of thinking about food, I felt good in my body (not because of what I weighed but because I was ACTUALLY CONNECTED TO MY BODY), and I dealt with my emotions without eating them. Three years later, I had completely changed my life. By shifting that ONE thought pattern, I changed my life.

So why am I telling you this story of my obsessive compulsive eating disorder? Because. This is probably how you’re showing up somewhere in your life. Think about how much energy you spend worrying about what others will think, wondering if the decision you’re about to make is the right one, holding back from expressing who you really are for fear that you’ll look stupid or be judged. That is NOT who you are. That’s how you behave. And you can change how you behave when you change your mind.

Whatever cycle or thought patterns you’ve got going, they’re changeable. It isn’t easy, but it’s simple. And it can change your life.

I can help you.

The Time We Didn’t Miss the Exit

Something happens to my husband when I’m in the car with him. It’s like he can’t hear the directions from Waze unless I give them to him. Like it’s in a different language and I’m the translator. 

This is not just since we moved to New Jersey. This was true in Los Angeles as well and every single time he would miss a turn because I stopped paying attention, I would say the same thing to him: “You literally drive ALL OVER Los Angeles for meetings every single day. And I’m not with you. HOW DO YOU SURVIVE???” 

This is not a big deal.

But it drives me BANANAS that if I stop paying attention at the wrong time, we miss our exit or our turn. I can NOT understand why I have to be the Waze translator. And I get so irritated. Every. Single. Time.

Until Sunday.

Sunday, I decided to try doing something different.

Instead of expecting him to be different, I decided to practice something I’m working on right now: patience. (This is NOT my strong suit.)

We were driving an hour away to Matt’s brother’s and we have no idea how to get anywhere around here yet except within a 10 mile radius (and even then it’s iffy). So I knew he would have no idea where he was going and would need Waze - and my translation. 

I decided I would put away my phone for that hour and simply be the Waze translator. I’m sure what happened will come as no surprise. No wrong turns, no missed exits. It was a delightful drive and we got there with zero issue. And that includes zero annoyance or frustration from me.

I WAS RESPONSIBLE for shifting my annoyance and frustration. Not him. And it worked. I wasn’t annoyed that I couldn’t look at my phone. In fact, it was actually nice to just be his co-pilot. 

I answered my own question that I ask my clients all the time: What’s YOUR responsibility in this? 

We almost ALWAYS have a responsibility in how our lives are going.  Ask that question more often and see what happens when you change your perspective, when you decide to make a change in how YOU show up. And when you notice something different, send me a message and tell me about it! 

Time To Take Your Dream Off The Shelf

What do you want? 

Not like “I want pizza for dinner.” or “I want a raise." 

What would you want if you knew you couldn’t fail? 

Sometimes I’ll have a day of coaching where there’s a theme. I talk to several different clients who have their own sets of unique goals and road blocks and hurdles - but they are all battling the same exact thing in that moment…and it BLOWS MY MIND. It happened a few days ago. Each of these clients really wanted something to happen in their lives. A deep desire. DEEP. And each of them was stopping themselves from admitting that true desire. They could barely even mutter the words to me. They were saying things like “Well, I guess I hope that happens - but I’m not sure it will…” or “If I’m lucky enough to have this happen…” (Honey, luck has very little to do with it. You have a lot more to do with it than luck.) 

With each client, we pulled it apart, and every single one of them REALLY wanted whatever they were talking about. But they felt like they needed to protect themselves just in case it didn’t happen.  

Our society has trained us not to desire anything that feels mildly out of reach because OMG WHAT IF WE FAIL???? The fear of declaring something out loud and then not having it happen is paralyzing for many. And so, we end up stopping ourselves before we even start. (Newsflash: Failure means you’re trying new things and learning what doesn’t work so that you can do better next time. So fail away. Fail big and then fail bigger. Fall flat on your face - just get back up, figure out what you learned, and then start again.)

Do you really want to spend your days wondering if this is all there is? Do you really want to go through life with a secret desire to do something more? Do you really think that you’re going to feel any less disappointed if something you really want doesn’t happen, just because you don’t admit it out loud? We can pretend, but in the depths of our soul, it will hurt if it doesn’t work out. You do not have the ability to cushion that fall. You can pretend, but the hurt will be there. Sometimes, life hurts. Disappointment hurts. But I promise you, it will hurt so much more if you don’t even try. I can speak from experience - the years I spent keeping myself safe were the most painful years I’ve ever lived. 

At the end of the day, the question is this: What do you want your legacy to be? 

You have gifts that are yours alone. You have a purpose in this world. That deep burning desire is leading you in that direction - stop and listen for a minute. What is it wanting to tell you? What is it wanting for you? And what’s on the other side of looking deeper into it? 

On the other side of the should’s and the can’t there’s a world of possibility. Want to meet me there and we can play outside the box? 

I'll be waiting...

Resolution My Ass…

It’s the same thing every year…

We use this time to reflect on where we’ve been and where we want to go. And I’m ALL FOR taking time to pause and reflect. But for God’s sake- why the hell do we only do it at New Years?!?! 

Further, what is it that has all of us think that we’re going to wake up in January 1st and all of a sudden become the person that starts meditating daily, or going to the gym five days a week, or who stops eating sugar. If you haven’t been that person for the past 6 months, what makes you think that the clock will strike midnight and you’ll be that person now? What is so special about January 1? NOTHING.

We all know how it goes. We go hard and fast - maybe for a week, maybe for a month - but that first moment we slip, it’s an opportunity for that inner critic to beat ourselves up - and then our inner brat says “screw it! I’ve screwed up so might as well sleep in instead of going to the gym…FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.” 

Wanna know why? Because your determination doesn’t change your brain. Your actions don’t change if you don’t change your mental habits.

The good news? You can change your mental habits. They are not fixed. You are not “just this way”. You can be whatever way you want to be. 

First of all - why do you want to do this thing?!? What’s important about it to you?

Is it because you the think you SHOULD? Because if it’s because you think you should, Fuggedaboutit.

If it’s because you feel bad about yourself based on society…fuggedaboutit!

If it’s because you truly desire it and feel it will make your life better… well then let’s deep dive a little further. What stopped you before? What do you know might get in the way? What are you going to do differently this time? And what, exactly, is it going to look like?

This doesn’t work: I’m going to commit to the gym more often this year. 

THIS does: I’m going to move my body for at least 30 minutes 5x/week.

Wanna go even further? Specify the times and places you’ll that…

Wanna really make it stick? Do the OPPOSITE of what you think you should do and make it feel inconsequential to start…ie: I’m going to walk for 10 minutes a day. I know, I know…your overachiever brain is freaking out telling oyu that’s pointless. Except if you actually do it, at the end of 2022, you’ll have moved your body a hell of a lot more than in you throw in the towel on your daily workouts in February. 

And here’s the last part. The you that you are right now, right in this moment, TODAY - you're great. You are naturally creative, resourceful and whole. Only change something if you really want to. Just know that just deciding you’re going to change it - if you haven't changed it before- is probably not going to do the trick all by itself. There’s more to it than just making the decision that you’re going to do it differently. 

And one more thing -  you don’t have to wait for another year to roll around. You can set new goals on February 23, April 17, August 2 or ANY OTHER DAY that works for you. You can set new goals at any time. You can change a habit in any moment.

And if you want some support, you know where to find me…

Happy New Year. I hope it’s an intentional one.

Grateful

The day before Thanksgiving, I had to run out for the cocoa powder that I forgot to get at the grocery store earlier in the week so that I wouldn’t have to shop the day before Thanksgiving. As I drove through our town, with the gorgeous fall leaves and the crisp air, people out and about taking care of last-minute holiday things, I had this feeling of warmth just course through my entire body. Ah, I thought to myself. That’s it. That’s gratitude.

Just a few days earlier, a friend and colleague had posted something on her social media that put words to something I had felt for ages but couldn’t quite articulate. I don’t process gratitude in my head - I process it in my heart and in my body. It’s not a thought - it’s a full body feeling. This explains why I’ve always felt forced writing a daily gratitude journal.

I’m sharing Jaycee Cole’s words below in case they bring you a lightbulb moment in the same way that they did for me.

***************

I tried doing the gratitude journal thing on and off for several years. It never clicked.

I would sit there thinking “dog - damn I love you”

“blanket - I love this blanket” 

“fresh food - super grateful for that”

It was a brain activity, and it always felt a bit shallow. To be honest, I did it for the check mark in my little habit tracker. 

However, one day I was in a yoga class and my teacher said, “What does gratitude feel like?”

It clicked. 

Gratitude is a felt sense.

I feel it.

Held in each cell of my body. 

So, now I pause mid-day and let the green of the trees brighten my eyes.

Let my heart rate slow as my pup’s fur wraps around my hand.

I feel joy flood through my veins as I look at photos of my family.

Gratitude is an embodied practice. 

There’s no right way to practice Gratitude. But, it is a good practice to have. Studies show that people who acknowledge what they're grateful for have a higher level of happiness. 

For some, it might be talking about it around the dinner table at night. Others might love writing it down on a daily basis. For me, it’s breathing in my girls’ hair when they climb into bed with me, the feel of the cool air on my daily fall walks, and the warmth that coursed through my entire body last Wednesday. 

Thank you for reading. For sharing your stories with me. I feel it in my body every time I hear from one of you. It's an undeniable feeling of gratitude.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

When my mom was working, she was known for having about 550 post-it notes stuck to her computer at all times with reminders of all the things she needed to get done. This was such a “signature Joanne” thing that when she retired, on her final day of work, she walked into a computer covered in post-it notes of well-wishes and gratitude. 

As they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. On any given day, you will find a post-it note (or three) stuck to my computer as well. This is a habit that began long before my days of coaching. I was in my late 20s when I stuck the following post-it note to my computer at CBS:

“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

That post-it sat there staring at me, day in day out, reminding me that it was time for me to stop beating myself up on a daily basis and start loving myself a little bit more. 

Since that post-it, there have been multitudes of others. Sometimes they land on my computer. Sometimes on my water bottle. Sometimes on my bathroom mirror. Sometimes I do a virtual post-it on my phone wallpaper.

But there’s one key difference between my mom’s post-its and mine. Hers were about doing. My post-its? They’re about being. 

They say things like: 

Surrender. 

Breathe.

No is always an option.

Slow down. 

Courage. 

FULL PERMISSION. 

My post-its remind me how I want to be in the world. Because for me, that’s just as important as what I want to do. 

And that’s the work I do with my clients. 

It’s not just about goal setting. Goals are great - but honestly? It’s really about who you become on the way to going after your goals. And that requires working on your mindset too. 

You know what I mean - you set goals all the time. But somehow, you find yourself procrastinating and getting stopped by fear of failure. You try so hard to make it perfect that you never make it at all.

In order to really break through and discover what’s holding you back, I challenge the behaviors and narratives that have become habitual, but are no longer working for you.

Then you can make choices about what it looks like to move forward, rather than just having life happen to you. We create new mental habits and thought patterns, so that you can act in a different way than you were taking before. 

Shifting those mental habits is hard work - and for me, it requires A LOT of reminders…hence the post-its. 

If you want to discover what your post-it might say in order to have the impact you know you have the potential to have, let’s chat.

Getting Out of the Box

I love all the memories that pop up on my phone. Lately though, something has bothered me. I notice how often I see a picture of myself and think “Wow. I looked great back then.” And then I remember - I didn’t think I looked great then. Not at all. Doesn’t matter if I was 26 or 35 or 41. There are very few times in my life that I didn’t think I could stand to lose a few pounds. But looking back, I would kill for the body I had then…

I just turned 46. My body is changing. I weigh more. My back is wider since having babies. My hips are wider having nothing to do with having babies. I spent an exorbitant amount of time googling “do women’s hips get wider in their 40s?” (I’ll save you the time. The answer is yes – they can.) And my face has changed too – duh. I’m 46. 

I’m a pretty healthy person. I exercise. I meditate. I do yoga. I go for daily walks. I get acupuncture. I wash my face. Every. Single. Night. I drink A LOT of water. I’m an “everything in moderation” kind of gal. I eat mostly healthy, but I don’t make myself insane.

As my body has changed, I’ve grappled a lot with whether I want to make myself a little more insane to try to lose some of the weight I’ve gained as I’ve gotten older. 

I’ve decided the answer is no. 

No. I do not want to make myself insane to try to make my body look 35 again. 

And no. Thinner is not better. 

I don’t want to keep looking back and realizing how great I looked. I have wrinkles because I’m one expressive motherfucker and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I have curves and they’re sexy - even if they’re curvier than they used to be. Taking care of myself includes no longer worrying about how I can drop that last five pounds. 

We have been told by society that we should look a certain way.

First of all, skinny is not the same thing as healthy.

Second of all, I have aged because I have LIVED a full, rich, life. I’m proud of where I’ve been.

Third of all, too many of us are making ourselves crazy trying to fit into a box society tells us we should be in.

Screw that. I don’t belong in a fucking box. NONE OF US DO. 

And I’m not sharing this because I want you to tell me how great I look. We all know it doesn’t matter how many people tell you something, if you don’t feel it yourself. I’m sharing it in case there’s even ONE other person out there who looks in the mirror and sees what’s wrong but looks back on their pictures and realizes how great they looked. Who - by reading this- gives themselves permission to look in the mirror NOW and see how great they look today and love themselves the way they are.

The Art of Compassionate Command

The other day I was on a call with a client. We’ll call her Lucy. 

Lucy is FIERCE. She’s creative. She’s curious. She’s bold. She’s one of the most innovative and highly respected people in her industry.

And Lucy told me she shudders when people call her ambitious.

“Ambitious is NOT a good thing to be!" she said to me. 

What happened next might surprise you.

“I totally understand. I felt that way for years,” I said. 

Everywhere around me I saw “ambitious” female leaders who were leading in ways that didn’t sit right with me. 

While I could recognize that they were smart and strong, I also found them to be cold. They were rigid. They stepped on people to get to the top. They were authoritative and often dismissive. They cultivated a culture rooted more in fear than inclusion. I rarely saw them support other women.

In my eyes, this is what ambition looked like and I had determined that didn’t work for me.

What a great excuse to abandon the ambitious part of myself.

I began to believe that ambition could not co-exist with integrity and heart. And so, for years, I denied my ambition. I pretty much turned off that part of myself, playing small so that I didn’t have to abandon my integrity.

Lucy nodded in agreement. For both of us, ambitious was a dirty word. 

In hindsight, I have tremendous compassion for those women. They came up in a time where they didn’t know there was any other way. And, to their credit, they couldn’t deny their ambition. They would die if they didn’t succeed. And in a man’s world, they determined that they would do whatever it took to get ahead - and they did.

But Lucy? 

She’s a trailblazer who has determined that sacrificing her integrity isn’t an option. And through our work together, she has realized that she gets to define who she is going to be and how she will show up as a leader. And while there were times in the past that she may have abandoned herself for a boss, now that she’s in the driver’s seat, she is determined to create a culture where NO ONE must abandon themselves or their values to have an impact in her industry.

I’d call that ambitious. 

Lucy has learned the Art of Compassionate Command.

The Art of Compassionate Command is my newest framework for leadership. Whether you’re a leader in your business, your community or your home, The Art of Compassionate Command will teach you to slow down and get intentional. It requires that you get brutally honest about where you’re abandoning yourself and your values -- and then it shows you how to rebuild, so that you are in command of yourself, of every room you step into, of your destiny -- all from a place of compassion for yourself and for others.

When was the last time you asked yourself how you’re showing up as a leader? And when was the last time you got intentional about who you want to be in the world.

Too Busy to Read This?

We looooove being busy. 

We can’t WAIT to tell people we’re busy. 

It’s become a status symbol.

BUT it’s also an avoidance technique.

If you’re busy enough, you don’t have to admit that you don’t like your job. 

Or your spouse. 

Or yourself. 

You don’t have to think about the stuff you’re avoiding. 

You don’t have to deal with the constant criticism that plays on repeat in your head.

You don’t have to hang out with yourself. 

Busy allows you to run on automatic. 

But it doesn’t work. You can’t deal with your problems, if you don’t give yourself any time to think about them.

Busy also keeps us exhausted and unproductive. And here’s the real kicker -  Busy does NOT equal productive. In fact, I would venture to say that the “busier” you are, the less you actually get done. 

When you slow down and get curious with yourself, get to know your values and start getting intentional with your life and CHOOSING how you want to live it, hanging out with yourself is actually awesome. Even when there’s something that’s not working, you realize that you can face it head on, rather than running away and hiding your head in a big old pile of busy.

How many of your working hours are productive? How often do you ask yourself if you want to spend time with someone? And what are you avoiding by packing every hour of every day?

Inquiring minds wanna know… 

P.S. Reminder...You can say you're not available EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT BUSY.

It’s Not About the Goal

This morning I got a text from one of my clients letting me know she needed to shift the goals she’d set for herself for this month. 

Turns out she made it through to the second round for a program that she’s always wanted to get into. Also turns out that she applied and THEN DECIDED SHE WASN’T GOING TO GET IN. Soooo...she stopped doing the work she needs to do to continue the process, and now she’s got some seriously looming deadlines. Hence, the change of goals. 

My first text to her was: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

My second text to her was: Ummmm, also??? WTF?!!?!?!? YOU DECIDED YOU WEREN’T GOING TO GET IN???? Where else do you do this in your life? Make a decision that something that you really want won’t happen and just decide to give up on it? 

She hid the whole thing so that she didn’t have to feel like too much of a failure if it didn’t happen. She gave up on a HUGE goal of hers. In fact, when we began working together, she told me that she was going to apply every single year until she got in. AND THEN SHE DECIDED SHE WASN’T GOING TO GET IN. Thankfully this did not stop her from applying - she’s now one step closer to her goal. 

So, I got curious with her about what was underneath her giving up on herself? I already knew the answer - I wanted to hear it from her.

I knew because we ALL do this - it’s why goals freak us out. WE TIE OUR SELF-WORTH INTO WHETHER OR NOT WE ACCOMPLISH OUR GOALS. She had decided that if she already knew she wasn’t going to get in, she didn’t have to feel crappy about herself.

This, my love, is freaking BULL. SHIT.

If your self-worth is tied to your achievements, you avoid taking risks, so you don’t have to feel unworthy if you fail. If you avoid taking risks, you spend your life safe and never going after the things you really want.

And here’s the scoop. The real growth? That happens in who you become when you go after the goal. Whether or not you actually achieve that particular goal is irrelevant. If you go for it - and I mean balls to the wall go for it - I promise you will grow.

So - where are you making the decision that something that you really want won’t happen? Where are you giving up on yourself before you’ve even started?

The Grapple

As a coach, I love results. (I can just hear you…duh - what else you got for me Captain Obvious? JUST STICK WITH ME - K?) 

I love when my clients have a breakthrough. I love when they get a raise, a promotion or a new job they’ve been wanting. I love when they are brave, or set new boundaries, or finally take care of themselves in a way they’ve struggled with before. I love when they launch a new business or totally overhaul their company culture or start actually practicing self-compassion. I love when they have a hard conversation and shift a relationship, or give feedback in a way that they feel really proud of. I get tremendous joy from hearing about that kind of success. 

And there’s another part of coaching that’s actually more important, and it’s one I’ve had to learn to be OK with. Because on the road to any success, there’s usually a fair amount of time spent in ‘the grapple’. And most of the time, I don’t try to pull my clients out - I climb in and sit there with them. 

As a culture, we don’t like the grapple. We don’t like to sit in the muck. We like to get to answers and results. 

And let me be clear. I don't like the grapple either. It’s my most uncomfortable place. There's a reason I said I had to learn to be OK with it. I am not some buddha on the mountain who sits there all zen thinking “Oh, how I love being uncomfortable…this is delightful!”

I don’t know anyone who enjoys the grapple. 

Except the grapple, no matter how challenging, is where it’s at. The grapple is where the growth lies. 

Next time you’re feeling uncomfortable (perhaps right now? Just a hunch...) see what happens when you stop resisting and pushing away those feelings. See what happens when you allow yourself to get dirty and messy. See what happens when you surrender and sit in the grapple.

Perfection Paralysis

Little story. I was on a call with my business coach asking her thoughts about whether I should do something now, or if I should wait for a certain set of circumstances. She said to me, "What would you say to your client about this?"

CAUGHT. 

I was not remotely surprised. As I'd emailed her with my question earlier in the day, a voice popped in my head and said, "You know the answer to this. Just do it now. Why would you wait?" 

Why wait? Because I wasn't ready. Because I was in the middle of figuring something out that would affect the outcome. And a little bit because I wanted an excuse not to do it yet. So, I shoved that voice out of my head. But I knew the answer. The answer was do it NOW. The answer was stop letting myself get stuck trying to be perfect.

Perfectionism. 

It's one of my most debilitating traits. I have a hunch it might be one of yours too.

Perfectionism keeps me stagnant even though I know there's no such thing as perfect.

Even though I know I'll never create something that everyone likes (and if I do, then it's probably boring!)

Even though I know that the path to success is paved with progress - NOT PER-FREAKING-FECTION.

So, I did it. I shoved myself off the cliff before I felt "ready".

And I dare you to do the same thing.

What's one thing that you've been putting off? Maybe you've been waiting for the perfect timing. Or until the project was perfect. Or until you had the perfect words. 

Since there's no such thing as perfect, why are we aiming for it?

It’s been a year of firsts…

Two nights ago I watched my kids experience their first snow storm in our new home. It was a beautiful reminder of the joy of firsts. My kid making their first snow angels all over our back yard…

There are SO many beautiful things about firsts.

Firsts can also be extremely challenging. 2020 has been full of firsts that we haven't had much choice in. And firsts can also be heartbreaking and terrifying - even paralyzing.

Often, when clients come to me, the biggest hurdle for them to overcome is a first. At times, they can’t see what their first step might be. Or maybe they know what it is, but it feels too overwhelming or just way too hard. Sometimes they’re trying to do all the firsts at the same time. Sometimes, they want to skip right over the beginning. But you can’t build the house without laying the foundation. It will all come crumbling down. Firsts are imperative.

If you’re feeling paralyzed with a first - but deep in your being, you know that beyond that first is the rest of your life, let’s talk. If you know that you’re ready to step things up, if you know that everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of that terrifying first, if you know it’s time to get out of your own way…

I work with smart, driven go-getters to cultivate their authentic voice and leadership style so that they can overcome imposter syndrome and take more risks without compromising their values. If you’re ready to own your superpowers and stop apologizing for what you have to offer, let’s set up a time to talk. This particular first is truly no-risk. It’s a no-pressure call that won’t cost you anything - but it just might change your life. 

What are you waiting for?

It’s OK to not be OK

Somehow the weeks of this pandemic keep getting longer and longer. I have to look at my calendar several times a day to remember what day it is. Things feels especially hard right now. So inside of that, here’s what I’ve got: 

I’m sending wishes that you’ll give yourself a little extra love and care.

I’m sending a reminder that we are all SURVIVING A PANDEMIC. So if you’re feeling behind in whatever way just stop that bullshit and remember that you are SURVIVING.

I’m sending permission to take a few extra minutes to stop and ask yourself what you need right now. And then a little kick in the ass to actually do whatever it takes to have it happen. Ask for help. Take a break. Sleep in. Give your kids the iPad. Lock the bathroom door during your shower. Go for an extra long walk. Work on your self-compassion.  

I’m sending a reminder that it is ok to feel sad and mad and frustrated and also grateful and thankful all at the same time. There is room for both. It is OK to not be OK. 

You know what I’m most grateful for these days? Holiday lights. The holiday lights are getting me through right now. I go out for a drive or a walk every night to look at the lights. I look at those lights and they make me so happy for a moment - and then I cry.  Almost every night. There’s one house in particular that has this beautiful tree in the window. I sit there and I imagine what it would be like to decorate the tree with our friends, to swap holidays the way we normally do, to get dressed up and be festive together. I want to celebrate the holidays with my friends. I want to celebrate ANYTHING with my friends. The birth of their babies, their weddings, their birthdays. I want to celebrate LIFE with my friends. 

Every night I look at the lights and I dream about it. I dream about when I'll get to hug my friends again. The lights are full of grief and sadness for me but they’re also full of joy. Because how lucky am I to have people in my life that I love that much? And every night I go back for more so that I can start happy and then acknowledge the grief and the loss and the sadness. So that I can cry and allow myself to get through to the other side.

Do I want to be not ok for a long time? Of course not. But it’s just as unhealthy to only allow yourself to be ok all the time. I am both lucky and grateful and also sometimes not ok right now.  These feelings are all a part of the human experience and when we ignore them or berate ourselves for having them or put on a facade for the world, we do more harm than good. So reminder - it's OK to not be OK. You do not have to always find the freaking silver linings. 

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. That’s all I got this week. Surviving is a big deal.  

I’m Baaaack!

It’s been a while.  And I’ve been thinking about writing this for a good six weeks now but few things stopped me. 
 

We all know getting back in the swing of things after you’ve gotten OUT of the swing of things is so much harder. Every time I experience this (whether it’s with eating healthy or exercising or writing my emails or insert any other good habit here) I promise myself I’ll never fall out of the habit again because getting back in feels SO much harder.  And while we’re discussing it - why are only GOOD habits hard to get back into? The bad habits just seem to happen.
 

Anyhow…when I finally got my tush in the chair to write, I came up with nothing. NOTHING. How could I have NOTHING to say after five months?
 

But when I got super honest with myself, I realized that it wasn’t that I had nothing to say. I mean let’s be honest. I ALWAYS have something to say. It’s that my perfectionist self was looking for the perfect thing to write that would have people say “I’ve missed these emails in my inbox!” The biggest thing that stopped me was worrying about what everyone on the other side of this email might think - both about the fact that I hadn’t sent an email in so long AND that the one I’m sending is only OK!  When I finally got tired of my own bullshit, it took me about sixty seconds to remember the mantra that my good friend and colleague, Brian, shared with me a couple years ago when I was WAAAAY overthinking something in my business. The mantra goes like this: 
 

NO ONE CARES. NO ONE CARES. NO ONE CARES. NO ONE CARES. 
 

You say it four times in a row and you can even sing it a little bit. And when you really wrap your head around it, you realize that NO ONE CARES is the most freeing mantra you can have! 
 

How often do you find yourself worrying about what other people might think? The fact is, most of us have very little time to think about all of the things going on in our own lives, never mind worry about anyone else. So I’m here to give you the good news: 
 

NO ONE CARES! 
 

You might be wondering if I’ve totally lost my marbles in the five months that I’ve been absent from your inbox. But the fact of the matter is, this is cause for GREAT celebration! If no one is really thinking about you and how you live your life, you can stop worrying about it! And if you stop worrying about what other people are thinking about you, you are FREE to just live and take some risks and make the choices that work for YOU. 

So go on! Do that thing that you’ve been thinking about for a while but were afraid of what other people would think…because hallelujah! NO ONE CARES!